Why I Hate Scientists


Scientists – I hate them with the burning passion of 3,000,000 suns, and that’s not an exaggeration. Well, maybe it is, just a little bit. I know what your thinking: “What kind of sick demented person hates the lovely people who cure diseases and work all day in labs in their spotless white coats?” *raises hand* For my explanation, I’ll have to give you a bit of prologue…

I grew up during the Golden Era of cartoons, you know, the good stuff – Looney Toons, Tom & Jerry, The Smurfs, The Flintstones, Dexter’s Laboratory, and most importantly… The Jetsons.

There were countless shows around that opened people to the window of the future. That window held so many promises like jetpacks, robot servants, time machines, inter-galactic travel, contact with aliens, blah blah blah. Damn it, I shoudn’t have to explain any of this to you. You’ve already seen The Jetsons and Jimmy Neutron, and if you haven’t, then go to YouTube right now and then come back here, don’t worry, I’ll wait… Oh, there you are, I see that you’ve been brainwashed by the futuristic awesomeness, I can tell by the tranced look in your eyes and the buckets of drool that’s staining my Persian carpet.

When we were younger, it was thought that all those wonderful futuristic things would be available around the year 2015. It’s 2013 people, and there has been barely any progress to get us to the promised land of cannibalistic robot vampires and laser warfare. So who’s to blame for this heafty disappointment? The scientists, those demons with the white coats who think they’re Oh so cool with their goggles.

For some strange reason, scientists thing it’s more important to resurrect the wooly mammoth than to make flying cars available to the public. Yeah you heard that right – they’re trying to bring back the wooly mammoth. *face palm* You know, I think that these dudes and dudettes just bite their fingernails all day and share their sick scientific humor with each other instead of giving people what we want, what we need. Ok fine, maybe I’m being a bit over-ambitious with my expectations about a futuristic lifestyle, but can we please at least find a cure for cancer, AIDS, and all those terrible unmentionable diseases that have crawled out of a pit somewhere in Antarctica? But no, it would be much cooler to have Jurassic Park in real life, right? *face palm*

I can’t take it easy on the scientists and I refuse to hold back any punches. It seems like everyday, scientists identify a gorgeous planet, lightyears away, that we can only dream of reaching. Well scientists, do something about it. Figure out a way for us to touch the soil of these planets in other galaxys, I know you have the technology to do so, don’t act like you don’t, I’m on to you like an alpha lion in heat.

So scientists, please, please get up and give the people what we want. I know you’ve at least built some jetpacks and flying cars somewhere, hogging all the fun from the Average Joe.

If you’re still there and haven’t died of heatstroke because of all the steam I blew off, if you’re still alive and kicking over there, what do you think? What futuristic changes would you like to see scientists bring into the world?


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